Yesterday was supposed to be a really nice day for my 14 year old daughter and I. We had plans to go to the farmer’s market, health food store, a book store and then go out for a nice little vegan lunch at my fave lunch place (as per our vegan cleanse: www.project21days.blogspot.com we are on day 13, I can’t believe I’ve made it this far!).
So there we were enjoying ourselves when my phone rang. I picked it up and it was H. She’s screaming and crying into the phone “If you don’t send me money I’m going to f***ing kill myself”. She’s repeating the same thing over and over and I can’t get anymore info out of her.
She hangs up then calls me back 2 seconds later. H says that her bf took her purse and lost it and now her meds are gone, her passport and the two cheques she had in there. I tried to get more details but she was slurring her words and not really making much sense. She said she wasn’t out drinking last night but the bf was. (It’s funny though looking at her facebook she was up all night. She even sent me a message saying not to worry she was fine) She said the bf was out but I could hear him in the background, then she screamed at me to give her some (insert more swear words) money or she’s going to finish this. She’s tired, she can’t be there. Hangs up again.
By this point I am standing in the middle of the sidewalk thoroughly confused and upset, trying to comfort M because she’s now crying. This time when the phone rings it is the bf. He says that she lost her purse and she was drinking all night and she’s freaking out and he doesn’t know what to do and he’s damn well slurring too. So I lost it. I ended up losing my mind and screaming at the top of my voice, in the middle of the sidewalk in the little corner of the world that I call hippie heaven. I told him that I was fed up and sick and tired of the both of them. That neither one of them could be believed because everything that rolled off their tongues came from their addictions. I yelled that she could cut herself to ribbons and he could jump in the river and drown and I didn’t care…That I was done. So I hung up again and went and had lunch with M.
Because I had turned off my phone at this point H had to leave a message the next time she called. It was quite the message. She told me that was fine when I got the call saying she was dead that I would have the pleasure of knowing it was my fault. All she wanted was some money or a bus ticket to come home for a week but I couldn’t even do that for her. She told me that I was going to be sorry.
I’m not going to give you a play by play of any more of this crap. It’s nothing but depressing. When I confronted her on her manipulation she couldn’t see it. I sent my ex-brother in law over there to check it out. He said she was in the bedroom crying a little but she said she was okay just a little depressed. He said she seemed sad. They admitted that they had both been drinking and the bf apparently was screaming at her for losing the cheques.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want her home, because it is going to be nothing but more of the same bs as last time. She’s going to want her way all the time, I’ll be getting full on manipulation for money and things and all her party friends are right here waiting for her. Plus she finally got herself enrolled in school…
I’m encouraging her to leave the bf. Obviously they cannot live together and are no good for each other. She can move in with her aunt or cousin temporarily until she can get settled on her own. I also reiterated with her that I cannot talk to her if she is using. I just don’t want to be part of it, and I don’t need the constant drama. And I told her that if she ever threatens to kill herself again I’ll immediately call the police to have them intervene. No playing around. I said it would be a good idea to get to a meeting and call her psychiatrist on Monday. I don’t know if she will follow through on any of this. As far as the missing meds go, she hasn’t been on them long enough to suffer withdrawals or for them even to really take effect so I’m not too concerned at the moment. I mentioned the trazadone (thanks EasyTiger!) which I take myself, as a substitute. We’ll see what happens. She’s calmed down and they are not fighting for the moment so that’s good, but I know it’s just temporary. I told her she can’t run away or rely on me to fix everything for her. The only change that will truly make a difference in her life is the change she makes herself…
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I feel like I’m drowning…Thanks for listening everyone. You are all my saving grace on this path of pain.
Cdcb's Blog 
You are doing the right thing. Boundaries are good and manipulation is the BPD’s (and addicts!) trademark. It is hard when the stakes are so high and when you are told that you are the reason for the drama. You know better than to buy into it, but there is always that little voice of doubt.
I am glad that you followed through on your outing with your 14 year old. These episodes are the hardest for the siblings who have very little say in how they turn out and receive all the emotional firestorm whether they want to or not. It is hard to protect them.
I hope that she doesn’t come home and that you can manage this from afar.
xx kris
My counselor once told me that it is the addicts behavior that makes us crazy and not their drugs or alcohol; and if they could behave properly and still use we wouldn’t care if they used at all. (It took me a long time to get that…but it is like food…we don’t get crazy for our family or friends that overeat, because their behavior is appropriate…even though there is likely some type of food addiction going on).
I share this with you because it is her behavior that makes you crazy; and you have to set boundaries that make you feel better, in the long run. And you are doing that…you are doing the right thing, I think. I also hope that you don’t invite her back home at this point, as it would not be good for anyone…even H.
Stay strong, keep taking care of yourself and focus positive energy on your 14 year old and yourself. You remain in my thoughts and my prayers.
Oh my gosh! This brings back so much anxiety just reading about her phone calls, I am so sorry you had to go through it. This part, “She told me that was fine when I got the call saying she was dead that I would have the pleasure of knowing it was my fault. All she wanted was some money or a bus ticket to come home for a week but I couldn’t even do that for her. She told me that I was going to be sorry.” IS VERBATIM what I have heard from Heather AND what I have heard from Heather’s biological father AND what HE has said to HER in the past. Seriously.
I have to say – I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to do so – I think you did all the right things – and it seems like her behavior changed when she realized you weren’t caving in to her.
I’m going to pray extra for you all. And I feel like mentioning the 3 C’s… know her choices are not your fault.
Love & hugs!!!!!!!
OMGosh. that reminds me of the time the police chief of our old town across the river called and said my daughter was trying to kill herself by jumping in front of 18 wheelers as they came through town. He asked what I wanted him to do.
at 3 a.m.
I said. “arrest her or tell her to put more effort into the jumps.” then i Hung Up The Phone.
I talked to him later. He told me he said “I called your mom. She said to either arrest you or tell you to try harder to get in front of the trucks, which do you want me to do?
she left.
Fortunately, the call came AFTER I had taken my life back and refused to be drawn into the drama/insanity.
Wish I could think so quickly at 3:00 am. This story made me laugh. It’s very “Dawn”. I’d love for you, Dawn, to have your own reality TV show, dealing with addicts and their games. It would be a perfect foil to the parents they show on the TV show, Intervention. Keep us in our own hula hoops, Dawn!
that reality show would have to be rated super violent ROFLMAO. i don’t think anyone would want to watch it….now an intervention business for PARENTS of addicts, that I might be able to do LOL
All I can say is that if we allow ourselves to get sucked into the drama and hysteria of the addict’s lifestyle, we are sacrificing our own life. I won’t have it anymore. It wasn’t easy, but the alternative will kill you probably faster than the addict is killing herself. We have one life to live. I am with Dawn.
Oh man, I’m so sorry. I’ve always felt so badly for J’s two younger brothers, who got to watch all the fallout from his addiction too. The poor kids are so innocent, and yet they get the crap as well. Give your 14 year old some extra hugs – poor thing.
You did the right thing. Sometimes you just gotta call their bluff. I’m sure its a very difficult thing to do tho. Extra hugs and prayers go out to you tonite!!
It is so hard to read this. I see myself in this post and it is painful. Let it go…takes on a whole new meaning. J has moved out and it is a good thing. Don’t invite her home. You need to think of your self and your health right now and invest in those around you who will love you right back in a healthy way.
You’re doing the right thing! Its not the easy thing, but its the best for you, your family and HER!
There is so much wisdom in the comments left here. I have to admit Dawn’s made me chuckle a bit imagining her saying that to the police.
It was so very difficult to read this post. I acted exactly like your daughter is acting. I’m so ashamed of myself for torturing my poor mother that way. Like you, she stood her ground with me, which was the right thing to do. I threatened to kill myself because I thought that would make her give me the money I needed for my drugs. I never intended to actually kill myself. However, there were times that IF she had given me the money I might have overdosed by accident. So, looking back, I’m so glad that, like you, she somehow managed to have the strength to tell me no.
I’m so sorry that you, as a parent, are having to go through this awful nightmare. I pray God gives you strength to continue standing firm in what you believe is right! Great job!
You absolutely did the right thing. Set and stick to your boundaries. That will not only potentially save your daughter, but yourself as well. I know, however, about that little nagging voice of doubt within, questioning whether or not we did the right thing. Your daughter’s threats are emotional blackmail. Don’t get sucked in. And, if she does harm herself in some way, it’s not your fault. Hang in there. I am thinking of you. Peggy
Here is a tip my mother used with me when my addiction was full on, there was always $100 in her purse for me, but if i did not pay it back ,dont ask, I released that mum would not say no but make it a little harder each time to meet up to get that 100 ,but I could not complain as she was not saying no ,
I am so sorry that you had to go through this scene. I have done it a few times myself. My husband reacted just like you and my daughter has never done this to him again. I choose to react differently because I fear her death out of anger towards me more than I fear her continued blackmail. I still do not send her money. I still do not let her come home so I do not feel like a whimp.
I say something like this: I am very very sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad. It will pass but I know the pain is horrible. Where are you so I can call the crises team to come and help you? This terrible pain is more from the addiction than your depression. You can handle your depressions when you are not using. Someday, you will find your path out of this addiction and into a life worth living. I love you and hope with all my heart that you decide to live.
I read somewhere that many suicides are because of anger and spite as opposed to sadness. That is why I try to react in a way that will not escalate her vengefullness.
I hope this helps and you do not think that I blame you. Nothing prepares us for these situations.
Yep, I think you’re absolutely doing the right things. Prayers continue, both for your daughter, and also for you, for peace of heart and a lighter spirit as you continue this journey with us. God bless…
I have been in these moments so many times and have dropped everything to run to her rescue to get slapped in the face over and over. You are doing the right thing. Hang in there!!