It’s all the same

Things seem to have calmed down since the last fiasco a little over a week ago. Her moods seem to swing pretty erratically, but the few times I’ve actually spoken to her she’s mostly been okay. Always asking for money of course, but that’s typical. It’s pretty easy to say no at the moment because I have none. Less than none actually and no income.  My credit cards are maxed and my account is overdrawn. So really she’s out of luck. And so is everyone else including bill collectors and my husband.

The stress of finances (or lack thereof) and my ill health, worry about the future and H is all getting to me in a really big way. I need nothing more than a good long holiday somewhere, but that’s the last thing I’m going to get right now…

I’m still trying. Still doing the positives ( see my other blogs and ) and I’m still trying to be mindful of my other four children and their needs, but right now it feels as though nothing will ever change and things will be stuck like this, forever. I realize that is probably my depression talking but it’s really hard not to think in any other way at the moment.

Excuse me while I crawl under the bed and hide from the world…

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8 Responses to It’s all the same

  1. Dawn M. McCoy says:

    Hugs to you. big ones. This too shall pass.

  2. kris says:

    You will be no good to anyone, much less yourself, if you do not take very good care of yourself. That means worry-free stretches of the day. Someone recently told me about a technique they use. When worry comes they set it aside for a specific time of the day. Fifteen minute max. Do the worrying and then be done. Because, we all know, worry does absolutely nothing to solve the problem and it eats away at everything good around it. I have not been very successful with this tactic but, I did try setting worry aside last night when I climbed into bed, desperate for sleep, and it worked long enough for me to fall asleep. Thank God.
    xx kris

  3. Lisa C says:

    Kris…I’m going to try that technique! cdcb…you need to try it too. I understand depression (I feel exactly like the commercial on television about depression right now.”Depression hurts….”). Watch for the little gifts from God he will send you. (Bryan called me last night and that phone call was my gift from God) Joy in one of the other kids, a good cup of coffee or tea, a sunrise or a sunset (and if you are up all night, go outside and watch the stars). Find something every day, at least one thing, that can make you laugh.

  4. Kris B says:

    Dear cdcb; Hang tough and I think I might try Kris’ technique too ! What Dawn says is so right…this will pass. Focus on those 4 other shiny faces that call you “Mama” or “Mumsicles”….so cute ! Be good to you in thought and deed. I’ll pray that your financial and health worries will resolve. Hugs to all of you xoxo

  5. Keep going on. No matter how difficult life is, keeping going. As long as you do this, the bad times will pass, you’ll move through them. God is with you and will always be with you. I keep you and your family in my prayers. I’m so sorry things are so challenging for you right now. There is a brighter future. Keep the faith.

  6. peglud says:

    Thinking of you, Carolyn, and hoping your fears and worries have eased a bit. I’m going to put you in my Prayer Box, right now. Things WILL improve. Just take One Day at a Time – or one hour – deep breaths, and go outside. Nature always helps pull me out of the dark jaws of depression. We’re all here for you. Peggy

  7. peglud says:

    It’s me again. I just ran across this great poem on one of my favorite blogs: 37days
    Hope it helps.

    The Peace of Wild Things

    When despair for the world grows in me
    and I wake in the night at the least sound
    in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
    I go and lie down where the wood drake
    rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
    I come into the peace of wild things
    who do not tax their lives with forethought
    of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
    And I feel above me the day-blind stars
    waiting with their light. For a time
    I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

    — Wendell Berry

  8. HerBigSad says:

    My prayers for you continue… I hope you are feeling a bit more like sticking your head out and I hope you find a peaceful day waiting for you when you do!! Big hugs!

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