round and round

It’s all the same. I am still unwell, broke and horrifically depressed. Excuse me for being so absent but I don’t feel like anyone wants to hear what I have to say. Because it’s all the same. And I don’t know how to change it.

Things seemed to be going okay with H. She was in school doing some upgrading and for a week or two all seemed to be well.

Then two weeks ago the drama began again. I really don’t have the emotional energy to go into it at the moment but suffice it to say it was one thing after another. This has all served to show me how far down she’s gone. Two days ago it was a call saying that he was in jail for assaulting her. The neighbours had called the police. Considering the fact that the neighbours are crack heads it must have been pretty bad. The police got her into a crisis center/detox. She admitted to being pretty high. It sounds like her usual of primarily booze and crack but now oxycontin has been added to the mix. She told me she’s been using all the time she’s been up there except for a week or so here and there. And so has the bf.

I put $20 (good old overdraft) into her account last night for smokes and some junk food like she asked. Thinking it would help her while she was in detox. Stupid me.

When I called the detox today they told me she left yesterday and hasn’t been back. I know he’s out of jail and she met up with him yesterday supposedly to give him the apartment key. She told me she had a “day pass” from detox. Never heard of that before. I’m sure there’s a restraining order and she’s not supposed to be with him at all. I haven’t heard from her today. And really I don’t want to. Because I’m sure that whatever spews out of her mouth will be a pile of BS designed to part me from cash that I don’t even have. Or (even worse) a play to have me allow her to come home.

No

No

No

This bridge has been burnt and I really don’t know if it can ever be rebuilt.

I blocked his number from my phone(s). And I’m not answering any long distance or private calls. One word…

No

I’m sure she’s laughing at me. And that hurts most of all.

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10 Responses to round and round

  1. Peggy says:

    Carolyn – so sorry to hear this sad news. I know how you must feel: anger, resentment, fear, hopelessness, and just plain fed-up. Unfortunately, it appears that your daughter is just not ready to get sober and in to recovery. The bf often manages to f**k things up, in my opinion, as far as the addict getting in to recovery. It’s just so difficult -almost impossible, to stand back and let things unfold on their own – especially when you feel your daughter’s safety – and even life! – are at stake. Have you ever gone to Al-Anon? I can’t remember. I find a lot of comfort and support there. It’s a free, available resource in the community to help family members of addicts/alcoholics learn how to recover themselves, from the insanity and effects of the disease of addiction. Please know I’m thinking of you, and feel your pain. Hang in there, and please – – – try to take care of yourself, the ONLY person you have any control over. Best, Peggy

  2. cdcb says:

    Thanks Peggy. I’ve read a lot of Al-Anon literature but haven’t gone to any meetings. I think you’re right it’s time for me to do this. Even though I see an individual counsellor she doesn’t specialize in addiction (it’s more for someone to talk to about ALL the crap I’m dealing with right now).
    I feel like I’m mired in muck and I will never, ever get out of this nightmare. So tired of it.
    Thanks for sharing and for caring. This community means everything.
    Carolyn

  3. madyson007 says:

    I don’t know that she is laughing…she is spiraling. She doesn’t understand the ramifications of going back to him and using. She has monkey brain…gotta get drugs, gotta get drugs, gotta get drugs. Take your phone off the hook. Do not take any phone calls unless you know the number. Step away, detach, detach it’s an emergency…your health and well being are in danger.

  4. Barbara says:

    Oh Carolyn, I always want to hear what you have to say even when its negative (my blog is negative 99% of the time!). I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I am so sick and tired of addiction and the dark cloud that surrounds US – the PARENTS – that we do not deserve 😦

    Please take care of yourself and keep the phones blocked. I wish we could all go away on a cruise together and live it up and leave all our cares (and addicts) behind!

  5. Sherry says:

    If you can try not to think about it…each time a thought comes in your head…replace it with a positive one…it will help you! Try not to worry about the things you have no control over. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter!

  6. tinhih says:

    I am sorry for your pain.
    But rest assured. She is not laughing at you. At the moment, if she is high, she is not thinking about you at all, only her all consuming next fix.
    Stay strong! Prayers and hugs your way!

  7. Keeping you in my prayers. I’m so sorry you are suffering.

  8. Helga says:

    Detach, detach, detach. That’s what I had to do inspite of 2 grandchildren. I am powerless over drugs, my addict daughter and her enabler/dealer husband. They cut off all contact with me and the rest of her family and I was forced to detach. It was hard and some days it does not seem to work at all but in the long run I am getting better at it every day. You have to figure out what works for you. Al-anon may help you. Concentrate on what you can control (yourself). Good luck and God bless.

  9. MommaBear says:

    Sending big hugs from a distance!

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