And I don’t want to live this life…

I am crying as I write this. The tears are streaming down my face as they have been since the middle of the night. I couldn’t really cry earlier you see. You can’t cry when you have to be strong. You can’t cry when you have to keep it together for everyone else. But since 2 am while the house has been quiet, I have been able to cry.

H walked out of treatment yesterday. When she called I told her she could not come home. She has gone to a town farther north to stay with her aunt and uncle, they picked her up and drove her to their home. This is the town where her father and his whole dysfunctional family lives. And also where her boyfriend is in treatment. I talked to his mother this morning and it wouldn’t surprise either of us if he walked out as well.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to live this life of turmoil, hurt, worry and confusion anymore. My facebook status yesterday was one word “why?”.

My Crohn’s disease has flared up in the past couple of weeks and since yesterday’s events began the pain and digestive issues (to put it delicately) have ramped up to the point of no return.

As much as I love her I don’t want this anymore. I am tired. I may feel better tomorrow, but today I feel as though there is no hope left.

Thanks for listening.

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21 Responses to And I don’t want to live this life…

  1. I’m so very sorry you are suffering. It is heart wrenching to read your pain through your words. My heart breaks for you. I pray that somehow, someway you all will make it through this and find peace. I pray for you and your family and H. 😦

  2. Olivia says:

    I’m so sorry to hear this 😦 I hope that you you and your daughter makes it through this okay — my thoughts are with you! *hug*

  3. Kristi says:

    My heart goes out to you! I know how much you prayed that she would stay the full round of treatment. I hope you feel better (as much as that’s possible) very soon! I continue to pray for you both.

  4. MommaBear says:

    I cried for you.. I hope something good comes out of this.

  5. Cheri says:

    Crying with you and praying for you… I am so sorry for your pain.

    Hang on,

  6. Barbara says:

    My heart ACHES to read these words because I have felt them. There comes a point when you just hurt so bad, and you are so disappointed and it all seems so unfair because the addict is not suffering nearly as much as you…. Yep, I know that horrible place. I wish I had words of comfort. All I can think of to say is that you are not alone, many people care about you and understand. Keep writing.

    • Lisa C says:

      Barbara, I am still locked out of your blog! I miss you. Please invite or send me an email and let me know what I need to do to get in to your blog.

  7. Lisa C says:

    Although we try not to build up too much hope when our loved ones make rehab attempts, we can’t help it, because we want them to have a healthy, happy and normal life. So I understand your tears and your pain; and I can only say that this is when you have to try to focus on you and other family members; but at the same time, try to hold out hope for your daughter. As long as there is a breath in her body, there is a chance for recovery. It just often takes longer than we wish. You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

  8. Dawn McCoy says:

    Please, please consider getting to a grief counselor immediately! It will help you immensely during this most difficult of times. I know, it doesn’t seem to make sense to go to a grief counselor, but it will once you go.

    My prayers are with you.


  9. Helga says:

    So sorry to hear your pain, and so sorry for H that she quit. Dawn is right, counseling is needed, now! In the meantime, try this on for size: pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. I read this at Kathy M.’s blog and I love it. It may help you get through this one day at a time. Praying for you and H and for all of our troubled children and their parents.

  10. Sherry says:

    Hi Carolyn –

    I’m so sorry you are going through this! I will add you and H to my prayer list!

  11. beachteacher says:

    I’m so sorry….I know how worn out you must feel,…and really understand it . I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. We’re all here for you.

  12. HerBigSad says:

    I’m so very sorry. Prayers continue. I hate this disease and the damage it does, to all of us. God bless you and your daughter.

  13. Works Aside says:

    I am so sorry. My heart broke as I read your post. I have been there – three times. And each time I am surprised by how much it hurts even though you know that recovery for the addict can take many many attempts. Dawn is right – a grief counsellor or a counsellor of any sort could really help support you on this rollercoaster ride. I have been in therapy since I learned of my sister’s addiction to heroin and without it I would be still hurting like hell. Today I feel love, empathy and some detachment. I know its not the same for mothers. But anything to help you feel better…

  14. madyson007 says:

    I am so sorry. I know these feelings oh so well and I literally can feel your pain jump out of your post and clutch my heart. I have no words of wisdom only prayers.

  15. Erin says:

    I am so sorry, I have felt the same way so many times over! I’m praying for you, it is so hard, so draining, so many other awful things. Please let us know how you are doing. Praying for your daughter as well.

  16. heathersmom1 says:

    Oh I hope you are doing okay too! Not what I expected when I logged onto your site… I am so sorry, I can imagine how hard this time is for you. Try to take care of yourself the best you can. I continue to pray for both you and H everyday. Sending a big HUG to you!

  17. Anna says:

    So, you have been repeatedly traumatized. Your physical and mental health is deteriorating. I understand by bitter experience. You need a break. Your daughter now has a roof over her head which seems to be all that anyone can do for her right now.

    My advice is to see that grief counselor and maybe even a PTSD counselor because we parents of addicts certainly get some form of that. Where was the rehab if you don’t mind telling.

    I once took a 90 day break. My husband, daughter and sister took all the calls from the addict. I got a lot stronger during that time. I said, that this is just too much for my mental and physical health. I need a break in order to keep my health and sanity. Call your Dad, aunt or sister. They kept me informed but it was still a lot easier than the up close emotion.

    This is the first time I have read your blog. Thank you for reading mine. I see that I am on your blog roll.


  18. Kathy M. says:

    I’m so sorry. I have been right where you are. I have uttered those words. It’s very hard. Hugs to you.

  19. HerBigSad says:

    Just stopped by to send a cyber hug and tell you I’m thinking of you. God bless!

  20. madyson007 says:

    I am so sorry. I have IBS and Diverticulitis and have always noticed that stress is a HUGE trigger. Hugs and praying for some peace in your life.

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