No rest for the weary

You’d think with my daughter away in treatment that I’d be getting a break from all the drama. Not so. I’ve gotten a call every day that she’s been gone, except for two. Often it’s more than one call a day. One day it was five!

The reason for the calls vary. Sometimes she needs money…for smokes, for coffee, to go bungee jumping (?!), to get her hair done etc, etc, etc…Sometimes she needs other things…an alarm clock, pictures of her and her bf, for me to check her facebook or cell phone etc, etc, etc…Sometimes she calls to tell me that she hates it…everyone is unfair, no one likes her, she’s not staying past three months etc, etc, etc…again. Very rarely does she ever call just to say hi and tell me she loves me or misses me.

It’s exhausting. It’s like she’s a vampire sucking everything out of me. I’ve gotten really depressed. My house is a mess, my hair is unwashed and all I want to do is cry. It feels impossibly hard to interact with anyone.

I just want her to be well. To be clean and sober. To be a responsible adult living her own life in a responsibly adult way. At this very moment I just want her to leave me the hell alone…

Why is it that even though she is in treatment and has been clean for almost a month, beneath the surface NOTHING has changed? She is still essentially the same as when she’s using. She still acts like a whiny, manipulative, needy, self absorbed 10 year old. Only not so irrational or obsessed with getting her next fix.

On a different note, I got high on Wednesday.

HA! Bet you that surprised everyone! It was totally unintentional and absolutely not enjoyable. I don’t know why anyone would choose to use this stuff. I got up on Wednesday morning and was really tired and distracted. I got my son’s meds out as usual and had them in my hand while I was looking over my other son’s resume. I realized the pills where in my hand and took them without looking at them, thinking that they were mine. Oops! As soon as I swallowed I realized what I had done. I raced to the bathroom and tried to throw up. Not much luck. Only a little piece of one pill came up. 72 mg of concerta and 1 mg of risperidone down the hatch.

Can you believe it? I called poison control and they said I should be okay but I would probably feel edgy, wound up, unable to concentrate and exhausted. I could expect to crash in about 12 hours. When I called the pharmacy about taking my own medication and told them what happened, the pharmacist laughed. She said it happened more often than people realized.

Honestly, it was one of the longest days of my life. I was out of it. I know that I couldn’t shut up but can’t really remember what I had to say. I kept calling people on the phone and talking for way too long. (My poor friends). My heart was racing and I was so scattered. When the crash came my poor body was wiped. I lay in bed unable to move. But my head wouldn’t shut up. I finally took my sleeping pill (although the pharmacist said I probably wouldn’t need to) and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning feeling like it had been a bad dream.

I honestly don’t understand WHY anyone would want to purposely feel that way. What in the world is the point?

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10 Responses to No rest for the weary

  1. Kristi says:

    Being clean and not using is only a part of it…I tell my son all the time that recovery is way more than just not using! Then there’s the addict behavior to deal with and that, in my opinion, is when the real wheels of recovery begin to move. If you’re familiar with the term “dry drunk” used in alcoholism then you know exactly what I’m talking about. It sounds to me like that’s where your daughter is, not using but still has all the addict behaviors. Dealing with and changing those behaviors is a big part of treatment, so in time the behaviors should begin to change. This is how I knew treatment was working. I’ve heard treatment compares to an onion, you deal with a layer at a time. Not unlike so many others I’ve been right where you are and I know how you’re feeling…it’s exhausing and depletes your energy! Hang in there! I’m praying for you both!

  2. Kristi says:

    Oh and one more thing…I’m glad you survived your high!! I can so see how that would happen…my mind runs in a million directions when I’m in “Jake Mode”….I’m totally distracted, can’t seem to keep anything straight and generally I find I’m all over the place…it just makes me crazy!! :-O

  3. Cheri says:

    Well, I’m glad you survived being high. I think what Kristi said above makes a lot of sense. It sounds like your daughter is in the “dry drunk” state.

    We’re praying for you all,
    Cheri and Wayne

  4. I agree completely with Kristi. I am still peeling away at the layers of my onion. Stopping the use of drugs is only the beginning. It’s the baby step towards recovery. Once I stopped using, then I could finally start dealing with “what” made me use to begin with. It takes time. I pray God gives you the strength to endure. May God bless you.

  5. heathersmom1 says:

    I so empathize with what you wrote about your daughter… the vampire analogy was a good one! It is so hard, but know that you are worth it to not let what she says drag you down. When Heather called me back and left a message I purposely waited until I was mentally “okay” to call back (and – of course – leave a message)… b/c I know how far down she can drag me so quickly. We love our kids and that’s why we get sucked in, but I am learning (through Al-Anon) to love myself too! Okay – don;t know if this comment was for you or for me! But hope it made sense.
    Um yeah, I remember the day I took an Ambien first thing in the morning instead of my allergy pill. Nothing happened to me (I did have to take a nap!) – but my gosh – I can see how worried you had to have been! At least your son doesn’t have to worry about Mom stealing his pills again! lol
    God bless.

  6. Barbara says:

    Your daughter sounds exactly like my son when he was in rehab! I finally made a rule: two calls per week. If he needed stuff he had to tell me all at once. And if he wanted to complain, I would just set the phone down till his voice stopped.

    I am sorry you have to go through this and feel this way. I think the families (especially the moms) suffer the most from all this. Its not fair and it sucks. Wish I had more mature and encouraging thing to say than that!

    Be careful with those meds! 🙂

  7. Renee says:

    My son is the same way and in meetings I also learned that it is a process. It takes time and steps, like Kristi said it is like peeling an onion. The best thing I have been able to do is start focusing on myself, my health and how to stop obsessing about my son and give him the dignity to figure it all out on his own. It has been hell, but I am starting to say no and set my boundaries very clearly with him. I have much more peace now and I hope you are able to focus on yourself, let go of her, let the phone ring and let her leave some messages. Take care of you because believe me, doing what we have been doing with our kids can be just as deadly to us as their addictions. Praying that you and your daughter.

  8. Helga says:

    It was the same song and dance when my daughter was in rehab. It seems like they are playing with your emotions. I used to think if I don’t get her this and that or pick her up for the weekend (4 hour drive, 2 round trips) she’ll use again. I am glad I am not going through this anymore, however, it is still painful even now that she has her own kids, an addict mother of two babies.

  9. MommaBear says:

    I totally relate to all of this.. I don’t know how many times, the sitter has called me at work to say that one kid has my lunch and I have there.. I’m not even sure how come I can still function but somehow it happens.. Take care of yourself and as I said before you can call me anytime if you need to talk to someone.

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