You’d think with my daughter away in treatment that I’d be getting a break from all the drama. Not so. I’ve gotten a call every day that she’s been gone, except for two. Often it’s more than one call a day. One day it was five!
The reason for the calls vary. Sometimes she needs money…for smokes, for coffee, to go bungee jumping (?!), to get her hair done etc, etc, etc…Sometimes she needs other things…an alarm clock, pictures of her and her bf, for me to check her facebook or cell phone etc, etc, etc…Sometimes she calls to tell me that she hates it…everyone is unfair, no one likes her, she’s not staying past three months etc, etc, etc…again. Very rarely does she ever call just to say hi and tell me she loves me or misses me.
It’s exhausting. It’s like she’s a vampire sucking everything out of me. I’ve gotten really depressed. My house is a mess, my hair is unwashed and all I want to do is cry. It feels impossibly hard to interact with anyone.
I just want her to be well. To be clean and sober. To be a responsible adult living her own life in a responsibly adult way. At this very moment I just want her to leave me the hell alone…
Why is it that even though she is in treatment and has been clean for almost a month, beneath the surface NOTHING has changed? She is still essentially the same as when she’s using. She still acts like a whiny, manipulative, needy, self absorbed 10 year old. Only not so irrational or obsessed with getting her next fix.
On a different note, I got high on Wednesday.
HA! Bet you that surprised everyone! It was totally unintentional and absolutely not enjoyable. I don’t know why anyone would choose to use this stuff. I got up on Wednesday morning and was really tired and distracted. I got my son’s meds out as usual and had them in my hand while I was looking over my other son’s resume. I realized the pills where in my hand and took them without looking at them, thinking that they were mine. Oops! As soon as I swallowed I realized what I had done. I raced to the bathroom and tried to throw up. Not much luck. Only a little piece of one pill came up. 72 mg of concerta and 1 mg of risperidone down the hatch.
Can you believe it? I called poison control and they said I should be okay but I would probably feel edgy, wound up, unable to concentrate and exhausted. I could expect to crash in about 12 hours. When I called the pharmacy about taking my own medication and told them what happened, the pharmacist laughed. She said it happened more often than people realized.
Honestly, it was one of the longest days of my life. I was out of it. I know that I couldn’t shut up but can’t really remember what I had to say. I kept calling people on the phone and talking for way too long. (My poor friends). My heart was racing and I was so scattered. When the crash came my poor body was wiped. I lay in bed unable to move. But my head wouldn’t shut up. I finally took my sleeping pill (although the pharmacist said I probably wouldn’t need to) and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning feeling like it had been a bad dream.
I honestly don’t understand WHY anyone would want to purposely feel that way. What in the world is the point?