This is the song that never ends…

Thankfully, it’s not my daughter singing it this time. At least not directly.

H’s bf was found. He finally contacted his mother on Sunday. He had made it to the city where I live. He was drinking. And I don’t know about you but for me, drinking always eventually leads to the drug of choice for these addicts. So she was understandably worried. If he were to go downtown looking to score he could have been killed because he owes a lot of people a lot of money.  The poor woman lives 12 hours away, so there was little she could do anyway. My daughter was in a really high state of anxiety. Trying to deal with her grief and the worry associated with her bf, had me worrying about her. (Reading this makes me cringe. We are all so sick.)

Both H and his mother tried to convince him to go to detox here. The problem is, there is a crack house right next door. (Ironic eh?) So he was afraid to go. He didn’t want to use or been seen by anyone there. So I offered to take him to a different detox 1 1/2 away. Which he agreed to. We had to do some fancy footwork to get him away from the guy he was staying with. He owed him money (for beer and food apparently) and couldn’t pay. I was certainly not going to pay him so it was a bit of a stealth mission getting him out.

He was drunk when I got him but didn’t appear to have been using anything else. He didn’t have “the look”. Do you know the look I mean? Hollow eyed and gray looking, jumping out their skin. We talked quite a bit on the drive. He said how scared he was with the wait list for rehab. (They’ve given him a 1-4 month timeline!?!?)  It’s a hard core, year long super intensive program for habitual relapsers who have been to treatment centers before. (He has been to ten in 7 years.) How bad he feels about disappointing his parents and my daughter especially with what she is going through. How much he appreciated my help. How he is so tired of his life. He mentioned that his counsellor back home had referred him to have a mental health assessment done, that she believes he has a dual diagnois. And how much that scared him as well.

I bought him a phone card so he could call his mother before I dropped him off. He asked me to walk him in so I did. The man in charge said he couldn’t accept him if I didn’t agree to pick him up when his stay was over. I felt like I didn’t have much choice and I care about the boy but I am JUST SO TIRED. I don’t know what is going to happen or how long they will keep him. He was hoping that they could get him into a short term rehab while he is waiting for his long term placement. But I don’t know if that is possible.

My husband doesn’t understand why I did this. I tried to explain to him that it would reduce my daughter’s anxiety to know that he was safe. That this boy (man really, he is 25) is reaching out for help. But most of all I did it because if my daughter ever needed help and I couldn’t be there I’m hoping that someone else would be.

I don’t know if I did the right thing by getting involved and helping. Did I?

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14 Responses to This is the song that never ends…

  1. Helga says:

    There is no right or wrong answer. You did what you feel was the right thing at the time. Hopefully, he will get into and stay at a rehab. Noone knows how they would act when faced with controversional situations.

  2. Kristi says:

    Right or wrong, I would have done the exact same thing (for what it’s worth). I look at it like when a person gives money to a panhandler. Chances are better than good they’ll just turn around and buy alcohol/drugs with the money. We can’t control what they do with the money, but I give with my heart in the right place and with the best of intentions…my part is done, that’s all I can do. If only one person does good with the money then they were all worth it. You took this young man to rehab, you’ve done what you could and now the rest is up to him. How in the world could this be a negative??

  3. Ron Grover says:

    I wish there was a real right/wrong list of what to do but I haven’t found one yet. For me the right thing to do is doing what you know to do and try to do no harm. To know if it is right or wrong you’d have to be able to see into the future. Do what feel s right to you because situations and people vary, addiction is just what it is, a crazy disease that makes no sense to a person that is trying to help the addicted.

  4. MommaBear says:

    Sometimes, you need to do what feels right.. You did right.. I would’ve done the same time thing.. You are a mother and that stand for the most unique person in a child’s life.. You trust your instinct and most of all, H’s BF’s Mother must trust you to reach out for your help.. Hopefully, you can find your own guardian angel to help you along as you have done with H’s BF’s Mother. I hope that she appreciates you like her son did.. Through all you’ve been through, this shows that you have not gone “numb” and still care for other people.
    Try to take care of yourself too ..
    I’ll pray to God for some guidance and respite!
    Love always.

  5. Dawn McCoy says:

    NEVER question a decision to take a drug addict to detox. LOL. doesn’t mean you are enabling, you are giving someone who needs it badly a ride.

  6. Renee says:

    I agree, no right or wrong answer, but I also would have reached out and done the same thing. I don’t see any harm in giving someone a ride to a detox if they are requesting to go willingly.

  7. Barbara says:

    I agree with everyone above…no right or wrong, you have to follow your gut. I think we KNOW when we should step away and when we go against that we feel regretful. I would have done the same thing you did. I don’t see any harm in it at all, just help.

  8. Kathy M. says:

    What actions you take are between you and God. I always ask for his guidance before taking an action.

    For myself, I try to stay out of God’s way. I used to feel very uncomfortable if my daughter was uncomfortable. If I could make her feel okay, then I’d be okay. Only I never could. At least not for very long.

    I’ve had to understand that I’m powerless over my daughter’s happiness and her actions. I also had to stop feeling responsible for the consequences of her actions. She didn’t get serious about getting help for herself until I stopped helping. And when I did, she found her own solutions.

    But it took me a long time to come to that. It was the result of a lot of prayer and a very long journey with the help and support I found in Al-Anon.

    I’ll keep you, your daughter and her bf in my prayers. Hugs to you.

  9. madyson007 says:

    I too read back my blog sometimes and cringe at how sick we still all are…but like you we are all trying to move in the right direction and sometimes trying is the best I can muster up.

  10. HerBigSad says:

    I so agree. I have done it before and will do it again. I think I will always be willing to take anyone who calls me for a ride to detox. What they do with the tools they are handed (support, education, food, shelter) when they walk in, is up to them. I think it’s fine to help them get to the door!

    God bless!

  11. Em says:

    I agree with Helga. there is no right or wrong answer to this. You did what you felt needed done, pray about it and you are all in my prayers.

  12. peglud says:

    Absolutely, you did the right thing. I think that helping people outside of our own family is often more effective than trying to “help” our own addict. Your generous and compassionate act of helping a desperate person is a wonderful example for your family, your friends, your community, our world. And you are right – – – a powerful incentive is that perhaps one day, some one will show our own daughter/son a similar kindness, at a critical time in their life. I do believe in good karma – – – that doing something for some one else out of genuine kindness and empathy, will come back to us in our own time of need. Applause to you. Peggy

  13. Kathy M. says:

    Hi again. I stopped by to thank you for your latest comment on my blog. It wouldn’t be overstating things to say that Al-Anon changed my life. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

  14. cdcb says:

    Dawn
    I’d love to access your blog but can’t. Would be possible an invite so that I could? Don’t know how else to reach you so I’m leaving a message here. Lol.
    Hopefully you’ll see it.
    Carolyn

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