I’m going off the rails on a crazy train…

I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to update. I had H in lock down and had no time to myself. I’m sure many of you can relate.

Having her detox at home was just miserable. She was whiny, irritable, sick to her stomach and did nothing but sleep and complain. By Monday evening though she started to come out of it and was a little better. Thank goodness because I’d about had it. Her boyfriend came in on the bus on Monday night. At first I was a little worried but it actually turned out to be a godsend. It kept her occupied and in better spirits. I didn’t let the two of them go anywhere on their own though.

We managed to get her apartment packed up and cleaned out in three days. What a disgusting disaster. I don’t know how she could have been living like that. Not that she’d been there much. The streets were where she had spent most of her time. But still. She was living in filth and squalor.

I took the two of them to a meeting on Wednesday. My son and I sat in the car and waited out the hour. When they came out she had a group of NA friends with her. She has so much love and support there. I really wish she would use it when she needs to instead of taking the easy way and using.

She was cut by a dealer. Marked on her arm. She keeps picking at it and everytime I see it I feel sick. These people have marked my baby girl as one of their own. I want to scream and rage but there is no one to scream and rage to.

The countdown to treatment slowly passed for me and my two little shadows. There was nothing I could say to her that I haven’t said before. You can do this, this is going to change/save your life, I’m proud of you for making this choice…I don’t think she really hears me. I think she feels their just words.

Yesterday my dad came with me and we drove 4 hours north to the treatment center. It’s long term which is good, 3-9 months. She kept saying how she was going to give it 90 days and then she’d see. I just closed my eyes and repeated my mantra in my head “Please Lord have her stay for 9 months, please, please”. I’m so tired of living through one crisis after another, tired of trying to keep it all together for everyone else. I want nothing more than to just fall apart right now. Collapse into little bits and pieces and not have to pick myself up for awhile.

We dropped her bf off first at the bus station. He would be making the rest of the drive home by bus.  I turned my head while they said goodbye. I hope he gets himself back into treatment. He’s a sweet guy but he needs to get his own stuff together. When we got to the treatment center, she started to cry. She didn’t want me to hug her, told me to leave her alone. That hurt. It’s a nice place. I almost wished I could stay there. They are right on the water, with a beach 2 minutes away. The program sounds good. I pray that she takes everything she can from this and makes the effort to actually work on her recovery, not just get clean. In the mean time I’m just trying to keep this crazy train on the tracks.

Thanks to everyone for all your prayers and comments. It’s a real comfort when it feels like there’s no one here that truly understands. 

p.s. I’m reading a book called “Imperfect Birds” by Anne Lamott right now and I read something that struck me…LOVE: letting others voluntarily evolve. So hard to do.

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8 Responses to I’m going off the rails on a crazy train…

  1. Renee from "Addiction-Trying To Detach with Love says:

    I love the last line about LOVE, thanks for that, I wrote it down! My son is only able to stay in Rehab for 38 days, but it is 38 days more than he would have done I guess. He is off to sober living which he set up on his own. I understand your exhaustion, I am right there with you. I really think they should have Rehabs for people like us, we need it! I mean a place right on the water with the beach a tiny bit away, constant support groups and meals fed to us. Meditation, prayer, soul seeking without any outside interruptions, no work, no chaos, just being with the self and supprotive people. Wow, we should start one of those!!! I pray that she will conquer her addiction in her own power with God’s help and that you get some much needed rest and self care. ((((HUGS))))

    • Peggy says:

      Wow, Renee. I’m ready to go to “Parent (Mother) Rehab” with you and every one else on this roller-coaster of addiction. Peggy

  2. Peggy says:

    I just read your last few posts – and have that familiar, sick feeling in my stomach over what you’ve just been through. I soooo understand. My daughter has just been through detox and will be entering a treatment facility today or tomorrow. Our daughters are at similar stages of their recovery journey, so I will stay closely tuned in to you and H’s progress. Even though I know that Hayley is safe right now, I still anguish over the recovery statistics for heroin addicts – – – and all the deep emotional issues that I know my daughter has, but can’t possibly be dealt with in 90 days. So – yes, I still worry, and rob myself of the joy I should be feeling – “Just for today”. I’ll go to my AlAnon meeting tomorrow morning – but really need more regular support to stay hopeful. It’s one of my character defects to always expect the worst. I saw the review for “Imperfect Bird” on NPR – and listened to an interview of the author. You might want to go to http://www.npr.org to check it out. Is the book good? It’s just out and in hardback, but maybe I should buy it? Let me know what you think. In fact, I was going to post a review of the book on my blog, and would be interested in your comments. Hang in there! Thinking of you. Peggy

  3. Barbara says:

    Someone else pointed that quote out to me today…I have that book on hold to borrow from the library! Love Anne Lammot.

    I do relate to what you’re going through. I’ve almost forgotten how horrible detox can be. I hope and pray your girl stays for the full nine months. Something you said gave me an idea:

    Lets open a “rehab” in a nice serene location for all the parents to go to and be pampered and cared for and listened to and encouraged! It sounds lovely to me.

  4. DAWN M MCCOY says:

    fellow ozzy fan, i am solidly and completely with the rest. As of right now, if there is a junkie in the family, the family should be immediately put into the witness security program, given new lives, a stipend and a BEACH !! and no more contact with the junkie.

  5. Lisa says:

    When we are in the middle of doing everything we can for them to keep them alive, whether they want to be alive or not, it doesn’t matter if the behavior is codependent, or too controlling or whatever. All it truly is, is trying to keep our children alive for one more day…in hopes that in the next 24 hours they will see the light.

    Of course, the longer she is in rehab the better; and many would argue that if she didn’t want to go in the first place (at her bottom and arranging it herself) it won’t work. But if she opens her head and her heart while she is there, it can work for her and that is what I am praying for.

    She is in rehab, and you now have a break. Take care of yourself and for the minute, be grateful for the fact that she is somewhere that might help her.

  6. HerBigSad says:

    I’ve missed reading some blogs a few days and had no clue you were going through this, oh what a familiar sick feeling your posts evoked. I am SO very glad you found her. I know that some would disagree, but I feel that sometimes, we just have to keep them alive in the hope that they live long enough to hear the message and choose recovery on their own. I know it has to be my daughter’s choice, or it won’t stand any chance of success. But sometimes I do what it takes to enable her to hear that message again: “there is another way, you have other choices, you can choose recovery”, etc. I try very hard not to enable her addiction. But there are times, when like you, I have searched and found, or I have picked up and brought home at her request so that she could detox and get into sober living. I don’t know if that is right or not. There is much I simply will not do any more. But I will pick her up in a situation like that, at her request. God bless you and give you and your husband much needed peace of heart, and rest.

  7. cdcb says:

    Thanks for all your comments. It’s so nice not to feel alone.
    Dawn you made me laugh with your comment, thanks for that! And nice to see there’s another Ozzy fan out there 🙂
    Renee your Parent (mother) Rehab sounds so perfect. Being in a beautiful location, having our every day needs met by others, having time to reflect and just BE! Time to embrace ourselves and start to heal. Sigh…sounds so good to me!
    Peggy, I’ll be happy to let you know what I think of the book when I’m done. Thanks for the NPR link. I’m going to listen to it today.
    Thanks again for the encouragement and sharing your thoughts everyone. I am so grateful to have found this online community.
    Carolyn

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