I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to update. I had H in lock down and had no time to myself. I’m sure many of you can relate.
Having her detox at home was just miserable. She was whiny, irritable, sick to her stomach and did nothing but sleep and complain. By Monday evening though she started to come out of it and was a little better. Thank goodness because I’d about had it. Her boyfriend came in on the bus on Monday night. At first I was a little worried but it actually turned out to be a godsend. It kept her occupied and in better spirits. I didn’t let the two of them go anywhere on their own though.
We managed to get her apartment packed up and cleaned out in three days. What a disgusting disaster. I don’t know how she could have been living like that. Not that she’d been there much. The streets were where she had spent most of her time. But still. She was living in filth and squalor.
I took the two of them to a meeting on Wednesday. My son and I sat in the car and waited out the hour. When they came out she had a group of NA friends with her. She has so much love and support there. I really wish she would use it when she needs to instead of taking the easy way and using.
She was cut by a dealer. Marked on her arm. She keeps picking at it and everytime I see it I feel sick. These people have marked my baby girl as one of their own. I want to scream and rage but there is no one to scream and rage to.
The countdown to treatment slowly passed for me and my two little shadows. There was nothing I could say to her that I haven’t said before. You can do this, this is going to change/save your life, I’m proud of you for making this choice…I don’t think she really hears me. I think she feels their just words.
Yesterday my dad came with me and we drove 4 hours north to the treatment center. It’s long term which is good, 3-9 months. She kept saying how she was going to give it 90 days and then she’d see. I just closed my eyes and repeated my mantra in my head “Please Lord have her stay for 9 months, please, please”. I’m so tired of living through one crisis after another, tired of trying to keep it all together for everyone else. I want nothing more than to just fall apart right now. Collapse into little bits and pieces and not have to pick myself up for awhile.
We dropped her bf off first at the bus station. He would be making the rest of the drive home by bus. I turned my head while they said goodbye. I hope he gets himself back into treatment. He’s a sweet guy but he needs to get his own stuff together. When we got to the treatment center, she started to cry. She didn’t want me to hug her, told me to leave her alone. That hurt. It’s a nice place. I almost wished I could stay there. They are right on the water, with a beach 2 minutes away. The program sounds good. I pray that she takes everything she can from this and makes the effort to actually work on her recovery, not just get clean. In the mean time I’m just trying to keep this crazy train on the tracks.
Thanks to everyone for all your prayers and comments. It’s a real comfort when it feels like there’s no one here that truly understands.
p.s. I’m reading a book called “Imperfect Birds” by Anne Lamott right now and I read something that struck me…LOVE: letting others voluntarily evolve. So hard to do.