If=equal measures of sorrow and possibility

If only I hadn’t let her go out last night. If I could have kept her in this wouldn’t have happened. If she would just see the possibilities of changing her life. If she could only embrace recovery. If I could turn back time.

I’ve put off writing this post. Yesterday started out so well. She said she had made plans to go to a meeting last night and then go to laser quest after. There is a group from NA that does stuff like this most Friday nights after the meetings. It’s a group that she used to be very closely involved in when she was working her program. Anyway, I was extremely pleased that she was reconnecting with this great support network. Ahem…

At noon, we got a call from North Bay saying that there would be a bed for my daughter next week. Her intake date was Thursday. At first, she was really excited then she seemed to get kind of agitated so I suggest going to a movie. She was pleased and we enjoyed a nice afternoon playing hooky at the movies, watching a chick flick. After the movie was done we picked up the other kids and I took my children out for dinner. This doesn’t happen often, since I don’t really have much money and it’s unusual lately for everyone to be around at the same time. I thought of it as kind of a celebration of family/early goodbye-good luck dinner.

After dinner I dropped her off at the park and ride so she could bus downtown and came home.  I should have been feeling pretty positive considering the day, but I had this feeling. You know? THAT feeling…

Sure enough… Her facebook was open on my laptop when I opened it up (guess she forgot to log off). There was a message open from some guy with plans to meet up downtown and go drinking. Once she starts drinking it’s only a tiny step to picking up a crack pipe. Tip off #1.

I got a message from her boyfriend giving me a heads up that she was out on a tear. Tip off #2.

The girl she was supposedly going to the meeting with wrote a message on her wall, asking H to call her, saying that she missed her and that they hadn’t spoken in so long. Tip off #3.

I got a text from H saying she sleeping at another girl in recovery’s house. No more tip offs needed.

I tried to call her phone but of course she didn’t answer. I didn’t get much sleep last night.  Kept thinking of worst case scenarios…I got up at 5 am feeling as though I’d run a marathon. Lol. (I’ve gotta laugh otherwise I’d feel like shooting myself.)

At 8:30 I got another text from her. She said she was checking herself into detox, was actually on her way there. She said she’d call me after her 4 hr. obs was done.

Haven’t heard a word yet.

So I don’t know if she’s really there or just saying she is so I’ll stay off her back and she can use freely. I know it’s not unusual for an addict to go on “one last run” before rehab but it’s got me worried because she was so far gone last time. And also because she’ll blow her intake for North Bay if they find out she’s used 72 hours prior. They test them upon arrival.

And I’m really angry. At her. At myself. At the dealers and the other users. At God himself at the moment.

If.

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2 Responses to If=equal measures of sorrow and possibility

  1. Barbara says:

    If any of those things were possible, I’d choose them all…turn back time and then somehow try to keep my son “safe”.

    My heart hurts for you. So much suffering, its just not fair 😦

  2. onemomtalking says:

    I’m so sorry. You wrote a story I could have written myself. I am just so sorry you have to live it too. No mom should have to live these stories. Big hugs from cyber world: (((((((Mama))))))))

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