She’s baaack…

I had to leave M’s (my 13 yr. old daughter) band concert last night to pick H up from the bus depot downtown. I hated having to do it and I felt (of course) extremely guilty, even though her stepfather was there so she did have someone watching. I know that she understood but I’m sure that a small part of her felt hurt.

H was in a good mood when I picked her up. She said her trip went well, other than the one issue at her grandparents house and with her Dad. She looked good, having gained some weight in the past week. She had taken a few pictures which she was eager to share and it seems that the boyfriend’s parents liked her which is nice. H said that she hopes that she gets into the treatment facility up north because she likes it there.

BUT. It feels as though the second she walks through the door everyone gets their backs up. She expects every person in the house to gravitate towards her and her needs, her desires. Seriously, it’s hard on everyone. Do this with me, do this for me, look at me, me, me, me.

Sigh. It’s exhausting. She walks in the door, dumps her stuff on the floor, kicks the boys off the tv, whines because no one will watch a movie with her, monopolizes the phone, makes herself something to eat (more than once), leaves her dishes scattered everywhere and doesn’t pick up her garbage. All before 10:30 pm.

I know it’s petty, because at least she’s not using right? But it’s not okay. It’s just not fair to everyone else who lives in this house. So I’ve got to talk to her today. I don’t know quite how to deal with this though. If any of my other kids acted like this there would be consequences. But what in the world can her consequences be? She’s an adult, not a child. And I don’t feel like I can kick her out right now. She’s waiting to get a treatment bed. By the end of May, beginning of June we’re now being told. I know that her chance of relapse is less here. (At least at this point.) Mind you, if she does relapse while she is here I’ve told her that she will be OUT.

The old patterns of behaviour will surely reassert themselves and within no time I will be manipulated into doing things I don’t want to do. Take me to the movies, take me shopping, take me to lunch, drive me here, drive me there…”I’m trying to stay clean Mom.” She’s bored, she’s lonely, she’s frustrated or angry and it’s apparently my job to fix it. The implication being that I’m an awful mother if I don’t do these things to ‘help’ her.

I feel as though I’m spinning around and aound all ready and she hasn’t even been home for 24 hours. Not too sure how I’m going to cope.

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6 Responses to She’s baaack…

  1. Oh, wow, I see how AWFUL I was to my own mother during this same period in my life. I honestly don’t know why she didn’t have a nervous breakdown. Addicts can be so selfish and self-centered. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with such tough issues. It took me along time to accept responsibility again. I had centered my life around my drug for so long that I had forgotten how to be responsible. Thus, I’m betting that H has also forgotten what responsibility is. And although your other children would not be allowed such behaviors within the household, it’s fair to say that your other children are not facing the difficulties of getting clean.

  2. Bob says:

    Being scared of my son coming home ruined the 3 month respite that I had while he was gone at rehab. You’re staring at them and they are staring at themselves and you’re both waiting for some normalness to happen but that takes time…

  3. Kristi says:

    I understand where you’re coming from!! Good ol’ garden variety addict behavior. I’ve told my son in the past that while I’m so thankful he’s not using (at the time), he still had the addict behavior (dry drunk) and that too had to be dealt with. They have to re-learn so many basic behaviors when in recovery and it takes time and effort….it’s like re-creating themselves in a way. Praying for you!

  4. Barbara says:

    I can relate to a lot of this, especially the spinning around. I have not learned how to not be stressed out by all this. Every minute I am either thinking about my son or reminding myself NOT to think about my son, which is basically the same as thinking about him. I hope things calm down at your house.

  5. heathersmom1 says:

    My gosh, I can feel the anxiety and my stomach clench, and my head full of confusion. Trying to figure out what to do/what to accept is daunting! One of the books I read (you know, in preparation of my daughter getting off drugs…) said that in the initial time of recovery not to nag them about dishes (yes, dishes laying around was an actual example in the book) etc. but to pick a couple “big” things and stick to those (obviously no using). Maybe writing out your boundaries will help so you don’t get manipulated to do things you don’t want. Everything you described above I so know and is so familiar. So far I haven’t had to practice what I have learned with her living in my house, as she lives on her own. So my heart goes out to you and trust that God will guide you in your decisions.
    God bless.

  6. Rachel says:

    I don’t know anything about addiction and behave but maybe you could get her to volunteer at an animal shelter or something like that for the time that you are waiting. It might distract her..

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