Today I feel exhausted. My body feels so depleted that I’d like nothing better than to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Being on such an emotional roller coaster with H, giving at work (I’m a nurse), giving at home, giving, giving, giving…There is nothing left in me. I am empty.
H comes home tomorrow night. I’ll be picking her up at the bus station at 8:40. And I’m dreading it. From all reports she’s done okay while she’s been gone, but she just sucks up so much of my emotional energy when she’s around that I don’t know how I am going to cope.
My insomnia kicked in Sunday night and I think that I’ve only slept for about 5 hours in the past 54. And that’s with the trazadone that I take at bedtime.
I think that things were worse last night because of an altercation that H and I had yesterday. Via phone and text messages. She called asking how much money she had left. (I am holding her money for her.) When I told her she had 120.00 she asked me to transfer it into her account. She said she needed it for cigarettes, coffee and food. I told her that I’d transfer 40.00 but she should really hold on to the rest. At which point she got mad, said some not very nice things and hung up. Then the texting began…
H: That’s my money and in case you haven’t noticed I can’t greyhound to whichever rehab I’m going to because I’m moving all my stuff with me. You’ll have to drive me. I can’t stand how you have control over my finances.
Me: Really? Well, I can’t stand how you blow all your money on booze, drugs, clothes, piercing, tattoos and getting your hair done and then I have to turn around and pay your bills or rent or bus fare or food or coffee money.
Me: You know what? Whatever, I’m transfering it over. Don’t cry to me later. It’s like it doesn’t matter who you inconvenience as long as you get what you want.
H: Nope I’m a selfish little crackhead of a daughter. Look what you brought up. Be proud Mom.
End of conversation.
Heartbreaking moment. I can’t write anymore today.