Today I feel exhausted. My body feels so depleted that I’d like nothing better than to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Being on such an emotional roller coaster with H, giving at work (I’m a nurse), giving at home, giving, giving, giving…There is nothing left in me. I am empty.

H comes home tomorrow night. I’ll be picking her up at the bus station at 8:40. And I’m dreading it. From all reports she’s done okay while she’s been gone, but she just sucks up so much of my emotional energy when she’s around that I don’t know how I am going to cope.

My insomnia kicked in Sunday night and I think that I’ve only slept for about 5 hours in the past 54. And that’s with the trazadone that I take at bedtime.

I think that things were worse last night because of an altercation that H and I had yesterday. Via phone and text messages. She called asking how much money she had left. (I am holding her money for her.) When I told her she had 120.00 she asked me to transfer it into her account. She said she needed it for cigarettes, coffee and food. I told her that I’d transfer 40.00 but she should really hold on to the rest. At which point she got mad, said some not very nice things and hung up. Then the texting began…

H: That’s my money and in case you haven’t noticed I can’t greyhound to whichever rehab I’m going to because I’m moving all my stuff with me. You’ll have to drive me. I can’t stand how you have control over my finances.

Me: Really? Well, I can’t stand how you blow all your money on booze, drugs, clothes, piercing, tattoos and getting your hair done and then I have to turn around and pay your bills or rent or bus fare or food or coffee money.

Me: You know what? Whatever, I’m transfering it over. Don’t cry to me later. It’s like it doesn’t matter who you inconvenience as long as you get what you want.

H: Nope I’m a selfish little crackhead of a daughter. Look what you brought up. Be proud Mom.

End of conversation.

Heartbreaking moment. I can’t write anymore today.

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3 Responses to Exhausted…

  1. Helga says:

    My gosh, don’t they just all like to blame us moms for all their problems. You cannot have a conversation with an addict and hope for a positive outcome. It just does not work. They think on a different level than we do, they are not able to have rational thinking. Please don’t let her make you feel bad. Try to do something nice for yourself, because you deserve it. I am sorry that you have to put up with this crap.

  2. Barbara says:

    Yep, its all our fault because we gave birth to them….my son tells me this all the time. I know the words hurt even if you know they are NOT TRUE. I know that horrible feeling of not being able to sleep and of being empty after giving to everyone else. I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself. Everyone told me to do that but I never really got the concept. I hope you can grasp it!

  3. peglud says:

    Geez – I know all about this. I can’t believe the things my daughter has said to me – and Helga is right – we can’t take anything personally, because it’s the addict talking, who is nuts. Still, it hurts. And there’s just enough guilt in me to get sucked in and feel badly and wonder where/how I failed my daughter as a mother. And now, she’s in treatment, and I”m spending every waking hour trying to untangle and mitigate some serious legal issues that are pending, since we took her out of state. She doesn’t even know about most of the things I’ve done to try to make her life easier, her landing softer, her consequences not quite so dire. Yeah – – – we moms are always to blame – and I’m sick and tired of it. Peggy

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