and on and on

It’s funny how, as time goes on, I find myself obsessing less and less about H. How and what she is doing is no longer within my sphere of control.

I still do worry at times…like when she admits to still using oxy’s even though they don’t get her high anymore, she can’t function physically without them. Or when she tells me she is still drinking. Or that she is being sexually harrassed at work and will only “think” about filing charges because she’s scared to do so. Or that they haven’t replaced the window in their apartment (from when they got robbed a couple of weeks ago) and it’s cold and now she is sick.

As a mother, how could I not worry? So I do but only for a bit. Then I can let it go. God has looked after her so far. All I can do is pray he continues.

I’m okay

I’ve spent most of the last three weeks trying to let go. Let go of the pain, sorrow, anger and frustration. The hopes and dreams for my daughter. I’ve been trying to sink into acceptance and detachment. It’s been hard and I’ve definitely tripped up a few times. But I’m getting there. I may not actually ever even get “there” but as long as I’m creeping ever closer, that’s okay.

H came home for a week over Thanksgiving. I was pretty apprehensive about the whole thing, but all in all it went fairly well. She wasn’t demanding or obnoxious. She seemed genuinely grateful to be home. She was sober when she arrived and sober when she left but she did use one night that she was here.

I was so disappointed but not really surprised. She had gone out the night before and was supposed to come home but I got a text at 8 pm or so saying that she was staying out. She didn’t come home until 5 pm the next day. She walked in with dilated pupils, the shakes and her mouth hanging open. I took one look at her and said “You used.” I could tell she was going to lie but she must have decided it wouldn’t be in her best interest to do so and she told me the truth. If she hadn’t I was fully prepared to haul her skinny butt to the door. She was lucky that I didn’t anyway.

H spent the rest of her time here at home or out and about with us. It was nice and pleasant. But there is so much mistrust on my side of the fence that there was part of me that couldn’t wait to put her back on the bus. The stress of having her around ground me down…as much as I love her.

Since she has gone back I feel as though I’ve given her permission to live her life. To make her own choices and mistakes. To live with her own consequences. She texted me yesterday for money for her Smart Serve for a job. I said no. And it sat okay with me. I didn’t get anxious or regretful. This is good. A major step forward.

Today, I’m okay.

Wow

I received the most amazing e-mail the other day. My blog has been nominated for the 2010 Canadian Weblog Awards…in three categories!!

I don’t know who nominated me but it was awfully nice of them to do so. Thank you whoever you are!!!

I don’t expect to win but the nomination alone has certainly lifted my spirits at a time when everything seems gray and gloomy.

Now I must dash off to an appointment but I’ll be back on later to catch up on all your blogs.

and so it goes

Life in the face of your child’s addiction is like stumbling around in the dark never knowing when you are going to get tripped up or slammed upside the head.

She called today for the first time in almost a week. I had heard of her on Monday when the bf’s Mom called me. He had given her a story about H stealing his phone and taking off on Sunday evening. When I mentioned this to H she denied everything. Said she hadn’t been there since Friday or Saturday, that she was couch surfing. She told me that she had been kidnapped and held at knife point (at some point, not sure when this occured). I don’t know if I believe her or not and really does it even matter? If she is telling the truth, my advice (to go to the police) will be unwanted and unheeded. If she won’t listen what can I do? I told her to go to her aunt’s where she would be safe and she told me that she’d think about it. She wanted some money of course.

Do I sound cold? I’m not really. The only way I can cope with any of this is to tuck it away into a corner of my mind and lock it up tight. I need to cut myself off from her emotionally. I don’t know if she’s seeing her psychiatrist or taking the meds. That part of the story changes all the time. She’s lied so much…

The Al-Anon meeting I went to was okay. It would be nice if I could find one where there were more parents of adult alcoholics/addicts. Everyone there had issues with their spouse. I’ll try a different meeting next week.

Thanks for listening.

Surrender

I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight. Ironically, with H’s best friend who’s bf is an addict.

At the moment, I surrender.

round and round

It’s all the same. I am still unwell, broke and horrifically depressed. Excuse me for being so absent but I don’t feel like anyone wants to hear what I have to say. Because it’s all the same. And I don’t know how to change it.

Things seemed to be going okay with H. She was in school doing some upgrading and for a week or two all seemed to be well.

Then two weeks ago the drama began again. I really don’t have the emotional energy to go into it at the moment but suffice it to say it was one thing after another. This has all served to show me how far down she’s gone. Two days ago it was a call saying that he was in jail for assaulting her. The neighbours had called the police. Considering the fact that the neighbours are crack heads it must have been pretty bad. The police got her into a crisis center/detox. She admitted to being pretty high. It sounds like her usual of primarily booze and crack but now oxycontin has been added to the mix. She told me she’s been using all the time she’s been up there except for a week or so here and there. And so has the bf.

I put $20 (good old overdraft) into her account last night for smokes and some junk food like she asked. Thinking it would help her while she was in detox. Stupid me.

When I called the detox today they told me she left yesterday and hasn’t been back. I know he’s out of jail and she met up with him yesterday supposedly to give him the apartment key. She told me she had a “day pass” from detox. Never heard of that before. I’m sure there’s a restraining order and she’s not supposed to be with him at all. I haven’t heard from her today. And really I don’t want to. Because I’m sure that whatever spews out of her mouth will be a pile of BS designed to part me from cash that I don’t even have. Or (even worse) a play to have me allow her to come home.

No

No

No

This bridge has been burnt and I really don’t know if it can ever be rebuilt.

I blocked his number from my phone(s). And I’m not answering any long distance or private calls. One word…

No

I’m sure she’s laughing at me. And that hurts most of all.

Living on a prayer

Consider this advance warning that this post is seriously depressing. If you are depressed yourself or tend to get angry at people who are feeling down in the dumps, then please don’t read this…

I’ve been told that my medical EI claim will be denied because I am short 3.5 hours. Can you believe it? I don’t know what I’m going to do. My husband doesn’t make enough to carry the household bills and then there are the bills directly related to me and my children. Medication and instrument rentals, my student loan etc. I guess I can forget about the massage and physio I’m supposed to have weekly!

I’m worried and I’m scared. What began with tingling in the hands and feet progressed to numbness and pain in all four limbs and the left side of my face. Now my left leg gives out if I walk longer than 10 or 15 minutes and it’s beginning to have muscle spasms. My vision is blurry. I am so exhausted by early afternoon that I can barely function. These are just a few things challenging me right now. Thankfully, my crohn’s is dormant at the moment.

I can’t go back to work right now. There is no way I could do my job. And because I am casual my employer will not give me any modified shifts. Actually, given the way that I am feeling, the meds that I’m on and the fact that I’m CRYING at least three times a day; I don’t see how I could do any job.

We will lose everything. I need a miracle.

H is not calling very often. Of course, her phone isn’t working since I haven’t paid anything on it. Given the nature of her relationship with the bf at the moment that worries me a little but there is nothing I can do. She started school yesterday and sounded pretty upbeat and positive when I talked to her at noon. Supposedly she is not using, is going to meetings and doing what she should…I hope so.

I feel like I can’t bend anymore. This time I’m going to break.

It’s all the same

Things seem to have calmed down since the last fiasco a little over a week ago. Her moods seem to swing pretty erratically, but the few times I’ve actually spoken to her she’s mostly been okay. Always asking for money of course, but that’s typical. It’s pretty easy to say no at the moment because I have none. Less than none actually and no income.  My credit cards are maxed and my account is overdrawn. So really she’s out of luck. And so is everyone else including bill collectors and my husband.

The stress of finances (or lack thereof) and my ill health, worry about the future and H is all getting to me in a really big way. I need nothing more than a good long holiday somewhere, but that’s the last thing I’m going to get right now…

I’m still trying. Still doing the positives ( see my other blogs www.project21days.blogspot.com and www.asfarashome.blogspot.com ) and I’m still trying to be mindful of my other four children and their needs, but right now it feels as though nothing will ever change and things will be stuck like this, forever. I realize that is probably my depression talking but it’s really hard not to think in any other way at the moment.

Excuse me while I crawl under the bed and hide from the world…

I’m screaming at the top of my voice

Yesterday was supposed to be a really nice day for my 14 year old daughter and I. We had plans to go to the farmer’s market, health food store, a book store and then go out for a nice little vegan lunch at my fave lunch place (as per our vegan cleanse: www.project21days.blogspot.com we are on day 13, I can’t believe I’ve made it this far!).

So there we were enjoying ourselves when my phone rang. I picked it up and it was H. She’s screaming and crying into the phone “If you don’t send me money I’m going to f***ing kill myself”. She’s repeating the same thing over and over and I can’t get anymore info out of her.

She hangs up then calls me back 2 seconds later. H says that her bf took her purse and lost it and now her meds are gone, her passport and the two cheques she had in there.  I tried to get more details but she was slurring her words and not really making much sense. She said she wasn’t out drinking last night but the bf was. (It’s funny though looking at her facebook she was up all night. She even sent me a message saying not to worry she was fine) She said the bf was out but I could hear him in the background, then she screamed at me to give her some (insert more swear words) money or she’s going to finish this. She’s tired, she can’t be there. Hangs up again.

By this point I am standing in the middle of the sidewalk thoroughly confused and upset, trying to comfort M because she’s now crying. This time when the phone rings it is the bf. He says that she lost her purse and she was drinking all night and she’s freaking out and he doesn’t know what to do and he’s damn well slurring too. So I lost it. I ended up losing my mind and screaming at the top of my voice, in the middle of the sidewalk in the little corner of the world that I call hippie heaven. I told him that I was fed up and sick and tired of the both of them. That neither one of them could be believed because everything that rolled off their tongues came from their addictions. I yelled that she could cut herself to ribbons and he could jump in the river and drown and I didn’t care…That I was done. So I hung up again and went and had lunch with M.

Because I had turned off my phone at this point H had to leave a message the next time she called. It was quite the message. She told me that was fine when I got the call saying she was dead that I would have the pleasure of knowing it was my fault. All she wanted was some money or a bus ticket to come home for a week but I couldn’t even do that for her. She told me that I was going to be sorry.

I’m not going to give you a play by play of any more of this crap. It’s nothing but depressing. When I confronted her on her manipulation she couldn’t see it. I sent my ex-brother in law over there to check it out. He said she was in the bedroom crying a little but she said she was okay just a little depressed. He said she seemed sad. They admitted that they had both been drinking and the bf apparently was screaming at her for losing the cheques.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want her home, because it is going to be nothing but more of the same bs as last time. She’s going to want her way all the time, I’ll be getting full on manipulation for money and things and all her party friends are right here waiting for her. Plus she finally got herself enrolled in school…

I’m encouraging her to leave the bf. Obviously they cannot live together and are no good for each other. She can move in with her aunt or cousin temporarily until she can get settled on her own. I also reiterated with her that I cannot talk to her if she is using. I just don’t want to be part of it, and I don’t need the constant drama. And I told her that if she ever threatens to kill herself again I’ll immediately call the police to have them intervene. No playing around. I said it would be a good idea to get to a meeting and call her psychiatrist on Monday. I don’t know if she will follow through on any of this. As far as the missing meds go, she hasn’t been on them long enough to suffer withdrawals or for them even to really take effect so I’m not too concerned at the moment. I mentioned the trazadone (thanks EasyTiger!) which I take myself, as a  substitute. We’ll see what happens. She’s calmed down and they are not fighting for the moment so that’s good, but I know it’s just temporary. I told her she can’t run away or rely on me to fix everything for her. The only change that will truly make a difference in her life is the change she makes herself…

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I feel like I’m drowning…Thanks for listening everyone. You are all my saving grace on this path of pain.

Background stuff

H was actually first given a “diagnosis” of BPD when she was 15. But we were told that it couldn’t be a true diagnosis as her personality was still forming. It would have to wait until she was an adult. The only psych meds she was ever prescribed was prozac when she was going through a treatment program at a bulimia clinic. When she was 18 and overdosed and almost died the psychiatarist said it was impossible to accurately diagnose her because her drug use was so heavy.

This time is different. She’s 21 and other than drinking a couple of times hasn’t used (as far as I know and she tested clean on the toxicology report). When I took Fractal Mom’s advice and looked at the criteria and nine points of diagnosis, I realized that she fit into the profile of 7 of them. And she has since her early teens, before her drug use began.

So as far as it goes, I’m buying in. Maybe not totally but I am buying in on a cautionary level. My daughter does not remember much about the event leading up to the suicide attempt. Or the attempt itself. She needed stitches for her wrists and they ran IV fluids and NAC (to flush out and reduce the toxins for her liver in the hopes of averting permanent liver damage from the tylenol). They released her yesterday evening.

The doctor has put her on paxil for the short term. Hoping she’ll be off it in six months or less. My doctor has done this, for situational depression. She is to have no contact with her father. She is to go in and see the psychiatrist every two weeks for the beginning of long term therapy and behavioral modification and coping skills. He has also given her seroquel to be taken at bedtime and prn if necessary. This one I’m not too crazy about. We use it a lot at the hospital and it zones people right out. I’m going to have to talk to her about that.

Also given that she has attempted suicide 4 times, all with pills as the main smoking gun I don’t like the fact that she has a bottle of this stuff lying around.

This is hard. Because she’s not at home I can’t monitor anything. She lives 6 hours away. And I still hold that coming home back to this town would not be the best thing for her. And given all my health problems of late, my doctor doesn’t think it would be great for me. But my burden of guilt over this is huge. I don’t know how to cope with it and reconcile my needs and hers. I don’t know if I’m right to not swoop in and bring her home.

Right now H’s bf’s mother has driven there (she’s closer than I am).  It must be good karma from rescuing her son and driving him to detox way back when! And H’s aunt is there as well. They are both keeping in touch with me and so is H. She sounds okay, just fragile. Not drugged up or anything.

I’ll keep everyone posted…